There is no doubt that dating someone who is near to your mirror image, both in terms of their personality and hobbies can be a great experience, but it does come with its own set of challenges. When we discuss about a partner like you, it is not about values and interests, but about you attachment style, your way of being within a couple. You might not like yourself as a partner if you are still struggling to find the right partner for you. As we can see from the above facts, it is not only a myth that what is within us, in terms of our own vulnerabilities, our flaws, our sensitive areas, can be well reflected in the partner we choose to be with. As a result, we learn to accept our choices, to assume them and to become convinced that they reflect the way we were at some point in time, regardless of the reasons behind them. We don’t blame ourselves anymore for choosing a particular type of partner at some point in our lives, since we start to understand our past self version with all the needs, vulnerabilities, and fears it had at that point in our lives. We need to show compassion towards our past Self, despite the fact that we have changed since then and we seem to be a different person now, not to be resentful or have guilt feelings, but to forgive us and to forgive the other as well.
As a rule, people never ask themselves how they are or how they behave in a relationship (no matter what type of relationship it may be), while they are constantly focused on the other person. A lot of the things we expect from others are actually the result of our own expectations when it comes to their behavior. We take for granted that they will be able to meet our needs in a satisfactory manner, and that they will be able to fill in our emptiness and to be a healer or a savior to us. Therefore, instead of searching for other people who have the same level of self-awareness and development as we do, we are searching for someone who can save us or alleviate some of our pains in some way. It is not surprising that we are finding that abusers are being disguised as saviors in order to take advantage of us. The chosen partners are very often visual representations of who we are in the mirror, revealing our vulnerabilities and pointing out our pain points.
Would you be interested in entering into a relationship with someone who plays the victim role? Can you imagine someone who is afraid to ask for what they need, to establish limits and to be on the same level as yourself? You won’t be able to do this if you don’t have any vulnerabilities of your own and a very large dark side that you are not aware of, but which is lurking within you. As long as you do not turn into a wishful partner for a healthy relationship, you might make yourself available and open only for ca certain category of people. It is possible that you will attract and initiate interactions with other people whose behaviors, attitudes and dynamics reveal your vulnerabilities and your unresolved traumas.
There is no surprise that you are not fully responsive and open for a partner when you are not emotionally available – maybe you still need to resolve some internal conflicts and emotional traumas, maybe there is still something that prevents you from being fully responsive and open. It is very important to investigate and to understand the significance of this issue, as well as to try to heal yourself. The other possibility is that you are still emotionally attached to other people in your life, either ex-partners or even parents, and until you are able to separate from these emotional connections, you will not be able to become truly available for a new partner. You can ask yourself: in my heart and my mind, do I have room for a new one? Am I willing to make space for it? As long as you lack this psychological space, you will not be in a position to create physical space for another person to exist. I understand that you are complaining about not finding someone. However, are you still able to dedicate some time from your life to someone new? In your position, would you be able to become attached to a person like you if you were the other party? Would you be able to be motivated to do so? As a result of these questions, there can be many insights revealed to you and you may be able to gain light and awareness and take action, as well as take responsibility for your actions. There is nothing wrong in not having a partner and you should not blame yourself for this, but be aware of your authentic needs and make sure that you find a healthy way for meeting them. Offer yourself a time just for you, for deeper understanding, healing and self-discovery, this being the key to a path that leads you to real intimacy with another one.